Jokes

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

What is the…difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
The large pizza can feed a family of four.

After a game of poker man returned home at 5 am. His wife stood in the doorway with a rolling pin in hand. Before she could open her mouth, the man said: "Honey you need to meet, I lost you in poker." She: "How could you do this, you bastard." He said: "Yes it was very difficult, I had to reset the Royal Flush.

what is the diference between a poker room and a curch ?









if u pray in a pokerroom u realy mean it

what is the difference between god and a poker player ?












god doensnt think he is a poker player

The "Voice" of Poker:

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,

"Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says,

"Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs. The voice says,

"Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8 of Hearts, 9 of Hearts, 10 of Hearts. The voice says,

"FUCK!."

The regular Friday night…poker game was going on when John lost $500 on a single hand, had a heart attack, and died. “Who’s going to tell his wife?” They drew cards, and Bill drew the low card. He knocked on John’s door and told his wife, “John lost $500 at poker tonight.”

She turns red and yells, “Tell that $#*^_^ to DROP DEAD!”

Bill walks away sheepishly and says, “I’ll tell him.”

Tommy had a…serious gambling problem and was a terrible poker player too. Every time he came home from the casino, his wife asked how much he lost.

One night, he didn’t come home at all. Finally, he staggered in at 9 AM. His wife started in on him, but he cut her off. “I have to confess. I got drunk at the bar last night and went home with a beautiful cocktail waitress.”

“Don’t give me that bull,” she replied. “How much did you lose last night?”

Dear John, I’m sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

A blonde woman…was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

How do you…get a sweet little 80-year old woman to yell (^#&^?





Get another sweet little 80-year old woman to yell “BINGO!”

i’m all confident because i think i got this like

then i get the test and i’m like


then i sit there looking around for someone to copy off of like


then i find some smart kid to copy off of so i’m all

but the bitchass usually covers their paper so i’m like


so then i just sit there and attempt to take this stupid test but it’s so hard so i’m like


and i just hand in my test and sit at my desk like

A man was about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbed on top then asked if he could turn the light off "are you feeling a bit shy ?" asked the woman ... "No its burning my fucking arse!" he replied
__________________

this was sent to me by a friend it was entitled tinks living will

you really need need to hear my mum tell em to enjoy her jokes , me not great at putting them in to words

a cowboy tethers his horse and goes into the bar for a quick drink .

so he drinks his pint and leaves , when he goes outside he sees his horse has been painted bright green , hes so mad he thinks right thats it i,ll go and sort out whoever done this .

so he goes back into the pub and loudly asks who bloody painted my horse ,

i did said the bigggest roughest bloke in the pub , is there a problem ,

no no , just wanted to tell you the first coat was dry

hey guys just wanted to let you know i,m in hospital ,

i poisoned myself by accident

i ate what i thought was an onion , but turned out it was a daffodil bulb ,

doctor said if all goes well ,

i,ll be out in the spring .

IN MEMORY OF BOB!!!!! Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning when his wife woke up she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since.

bloke goes to the doctors , doctor please help me i feel like a red indian and i just can,t decide if i should have a wigwam or a teepee , its really bothering me can u help doc

well said the doctor , your problem is your to tents

A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party, she brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet."

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer. "Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman, "How is it going with you?" "Not so good" replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!'

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, says, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice ...but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said could I ask a personal question? The daughter turns to her mother and asks "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."